Christmas Comes Earlier Every Year

It is bloody insane how some people revere Christmas decorations with the sort of vehemence, that would make all the combined piety in Jerusalem and Mecca look like some second rate fad, the kind that has 11 followers in Facebook and one paragraph reference in Wikipedia.
This strange Cult of Jolliness and Tasteless Tat can be observed ceremoniously hanging up the first Christmas lights around 2.9 nanoseconds after the Halloween decorations come down, and start preparing Christmas food in frightening quantities around Midsummer.

Anyway, I just received my first Christmas present yesterday, an awesome Samsung Android phone from my awesome wife. And goddammit do I love it to bits. I’ve used Android now for a year and a half, and have become entirely dependent on it…and stealing other people’s wifi. It does also mean pretty much handing over the key to your entire life over to Google, but at least you can feel relatively happy about giving up all your privacy for a ridiculously high level of convenience.

At least it’s better than Apple. I.e. it beats giving out keys to your life, while they demand your exclusive dedication and worship, suck out all the money from your pocket and cause you to drive off bridges a lot. In exchange for a pretty toy with nice blinky lights and a logo declaring to the world: “I have more money than sense! I belong to the technocratic master-race, lead by the messianic visionary St. Steve and his Sign, the Silver Apple. Look upon my €2500 Facebook machine and despair you primitive neanderthals!” Of course, that only lasts as long as his Grace dictates you can play with His gadget, before planned obsolescence kicks in and you have to order another one. And I hope you never ever smoked anywhere near it. Because that invalidates the guarantee. As does looking at it. Or subjecting it to gravity. Or being ugly.

And seriously…iPad mini? Who is the self-obsessed wally who loses sleep because their iPhone is slightly too small and iPad slightly too big? If the answer is you: congratulations, you are slightly less butch than Goldilocks. You fucking sheep. Said the tit gobbing down Google-flavoured poop while they sell every quantum of my personal information to advertisers.

Anyway, the absolutely most awesome thing about Android, It think, is the infinite supply of equally useless free apps. Some are marginally useful, few become elemental to your continued survival, and most not only waste all your time, but also degrade you as a person and a human being. Like the game where you flick ice-cubes into the arse-crack of the world’s most nonchalant plumber. Anyway, here’s my list of favorites.

1. Kindle. Books. On your phone.

2. Facebook app. Now I can ignore people everywhere I go.

3. Twitter. See above.

4. Angry Birds. Seriously fun, addictive, challenging, frustrating, all contributing to an equation of me wasting all my time trying to destroy everything in the world by flinging high-velocity birds at it.

5. Netflix. Breaking Bad. On your phone.

6. Google Maps. This is the most useful bloody thing ever. Especially when going anywhere for the first time, since I have the shittiest sense of direction of any land dwelling mammal. Plus, it doesn’t cause you to drive off bridges. Big bonus.

7. JuiceDefender. This is a really useful app as well. Since smartphones have more computing power than Apollo 11, the thing really holding them back is the battery life. This at least stops me from having to charge my phone twice an hour.

8. gStrings. This is a free guitar tuner, which has turned out really handy a good few times.

9. Astrid Tasks & To-do List. Great for people with crappy memory. Also, lets my wife hand out imperatives in real time.

10. Of course…WordPress app. Really good when I’m commuting back and forward from University. Ranting’s a great way to kill time.

I should absolutely include Spotify here somewhere, but I’m a bit reluctant to include it as a free app, since you pretty much need premium to do anything with in on your phone.

So anyway, have fun and enjoy November, waiting for Christmas, end of the 13th Baktun of the Mayan Calendar, Peter Jackson’s Hobbit and Movember. My wife keeps making fun of my shitty squinty mustache, but not like I’m going to let ridicule and looking silly get in my way. It’s kind of like a reverse Hitler-staschio, I got a small hairless gap right under my nose but the rest of my face is quickly getting covered in a thick layer of masculinity. But anyway, fight on and fuck you Cancer.


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