2-Headed Shark Attack

If this movie will not genuinely entertain you, then I am sorry to tell you you suffer from fastidiosam coitum, being a boring fuck. This is a film that is terrible in every possible way, short of one: being incredibly entertaining. There is no pretention in this film: everyone knows it is a pile of shit. The editor certainly knew it, and gave up half way through the job. They clearly splurged most of the budget into getting Carmen Electra and Hulk Hogan’s daughter into a leading role with her decently well augmented breasts, and by the look of thing post-production was done in someone’s garage, by the only person they knew who had a licensed copy of Photoshop.

2-headed-shark-banner

Just in case you cannot predict the plot from the initial premise down to minute detail (trust me, it’s not that hard), here’s the short version. I’m not even going to warn anyone about spoilers, there is honestly nothing that could be spoiled, beyond “People get eaten. Alot. Yum-yum.”

A boat full of walking horror film stereotypes are stuck on a boat at sea, under the premise of being marine biology students getting hands-on experience. With them are Hulk Hogan’s daughter, Carmen Electra, Charlie O’Connell and a collection meat-bags. That’s all they are in this film. The only characterization we need is a few scenes to convince us to dislike them and take perverse pleasure in their violent mutant-shark-induced deaths. The initial roll-up plays a lot like a lunch-menu, and we are only left guessing who gets eaten first. Soon enough things go bad, someone gets eaten and the ship is not going anywhere. They cannot contact the outside world because of reasons, and they have to take a boat to a nearby atoll, which fortunately is not very solid and soon begins to sink. Clashing characters interact, shit gets fucked, and pretty much everyone gets eaten. The final scenes are quite fun, as they pay tribute to the original Jaws, or in other words, rip off with little or no sense of shame.

Brooke Hogan's acting is almost as good as her father's.

Brooke Hogan’s acting is almost as good as her father’s.

The acting is awful (actually fucking terrible), script non-existent, the dialogue embarrassing, editing sloppy and inconsistent, duplicating the same footage in many places, and the effects below terrible. This quite honestly has the worst effects I have, ever, ever, ever seen. I don’t even…the shark is worse than Jaws 4 (it growls here too), there are explosions without sound, one explosion that is covered in rain-drop effects to hide the fact they couldn’t edit one, the blood is just red blobs, like in PS2-era games…just…no! The inconsistencies are amazing, and defy all human logic. One minute the shark is swimming in three feet of water, next it dives down 20 feet to jump out the water, ripping a whooping jock in two. The scene shows a shark swimming entirely below the surface, cutting to its fin above water…then cutting to it entirely submerged again. And roaring.

Two heads and 6,000 very rubbery teeth.

Two heads and 6,000 very rubbery teeth.

The makers tried to go where the fence was lowest, but it was still too high. They walked straight into the fence, fell down on their backs and tell pissed themselves and gave up.

None of this actually matters of course, because the badness of it all is incredibly fun, just spotting faults and mistakes is fun and there is one particular scene where the two headed shark body-slams a speedboat. I wish you could use that sentence more often in real life. This big fucking shark jumps more than six feet out the water and body-slams a speedboat. If there is nothing else in this film, there is a shark, with duos heads, body-slamming a speedboat.

There are two kinds of shitty films, that are so, so bad, that they magically seem to come a full circle on the good/bad spectrum and walk away relatively good. One of these types is the self-conscious rubbish, that knows perfectly what it is: rubbish. The makers know they are either aging has-been’s or never-were’s, or alternatively fresh film-makers trying to find visibility in obscurity. They kind of take the piss and make ironic jokes about themselves. They realise no one is going to take anything they put out seriously, so they have to come out with the most insane shit to attract attention from people who’d like themselves to be considered really “random.” A lot of conversations tend to start: “Hey I got an idea, lets make this fucking film where there’s this little town full of hillbillies, and then they kidnap these passing college kids into a sort of hunger games pit-fights where they have to fight bears with machetes strapped to their claws, and then there’s this cadre of underground Mexican midget wrestlers who all fight as a team, and they jump onto people’s back and rip off their…” and usually that’s where they stop. Because the awesome ideas get too much for a body to take, and some important blood-vessel in their brain bursts and they start convulsing. Horribly. Dying from concentrated randomness. So someone works their rambling notes into a more or less coherent script and hires some B-rated celebrities to fill in a couple token roles. These movies tend to range from quite OK to really good, and might include things like Dead Snow, Zombie Strippers, Shark Attack 3: Megalodon, Troll 2, or obviously 2-Headed Shark Attack. One sure way to know you are watching one of these, is when the makers have left bloopers in the final cut.

This shark consumes almost 20 people during this film, meaning it must metabolize faster than entangled quantum particles react to each other.

This shark consumes almost 20 people during this film, meaning it must metabolize faster than entangled quantum particles react to each other.

The second kind is the oblivious rubbish. The makers, for whatever reasons, be it ego, insanity, confusion or misinformation, are completely oblivious to what they are making, and completely unaware how ground-shattering bad it is. This is where the shit really transcends into gold, and the real magic happens. True masterpieces of schizophrenic shit are born from people who are impervious to things regular film-makers are bogged down by, such as criticism, self-doubt, understanding of human emotions, irony and common sense, and we are left with films like The Room, Plan 9 from Outer Space, Showgirls and Batman & Robin. And they are absolute gold, and are a true testament to human creativity and perseverance.

I honestly recommend this turd to everyone, because it is so wonderfully entertaining, and again, body-slamming a speedboat. It is on Netflix and you can go and watch it free, anytime you want, and you will probably find it from YouTube as well.

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