Ben Affleck is the Next Batman

I really don’t see why you are all shitting yourselves and breaking down all over the internet. I went to imdb, and what would happen to be the top comment under the news headline, but “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” 2,113 people thought it was a good comment. Really, are you so worried this is going to sink the film, and not the huge, gaping hole in the premise, that there has only ever, ever during the history of cinema, since two Moliere brothers in a dingy cafe showed off their new invention, been one good, functional super-hero team-up movie, and it came out last year. Every other one – absolute brick-shitting failure. Everyone seems to have this idea in their heads that it would be interesting to have Batman and Superman having it out, since they are such contrasting characters: the other a superhuman invulnerable alien with superpowers, such as flight and infinite strength and immunity to bullets, the other a really rich, psychological basket case who goes out and beats society’s underclasses to a pulp with his bare hands while dressed in spandex, always balancing between the right and wrong side of the law.

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The big problem of course is, that while Batman is hands down the most interesting and engaging of the iconic superhero characters, Superman is while the oldest and long-lasting, also the least engaging. He has no personality to speak of, beyond being the epitomized, concentrated best person possible. Obviously having no faults or weaknesses – beyond a fatal allergy towards a very rare crystal, which apparently is not that rare since Lex Luthor can always cough some out of his arse when the story calls for it – makes him extremely bland and two-dimensional, and really unfairly overshadowed by the more interesting and complex hero character.

You know what Batman has always lacked? A rocking beard.

You know what Batman has always lacked? A rocking beard.

As for Ben Affleck: oh come on! You’ve seen far fucking worse. While I certainly have never been too enthralled by his acting, he can do a decent role as well, and is not really as bad as people remember him from his shittier works (see Pearl Harbor). Remember Val Kilmer? What about George Clooney? Remember how terrible it was watching them portray someone so far beyond their abilities that you could feel yourself cringing with every awful scene? Half the actor’s who have played Batman were fantastic, and the other fucking atrocious, and Michael Keaton and Christian Bale were both atypical Hollywood actors, who did not really fit in the same category as Clooney and Kilmer, who basically had one mode of acting that worked for them, and were not going to change it for anyone. Affleck, while having certainly done a lot of shit, could be a bit of a wild card and pull a decent Batman. Afterall, how many people really though that the Gay Cowboy dude from Brokeback Mountain could really do one of the most amazing villain roles as one of the most difficult characters ever? Not too fucking many. Christopher Nolan did. Yeah. Choke on it.

"How bout a magic trick?"

“No, I don’t want to see your magic trick! Stop following me around the fucking set!”

So, maybe he’ll be bloody horrible and completely ruin the character for everyone, which is not that hard to do since Christian Bale’s big, burly Batman is going to difficult to follow, especially for someone who so far has been much less of a physical actor. Maybe it’ll be good. Won’t really matter that much for me, since the Batman character has already had so much poo smeared over it, that it’s quite likely any new layers are not going to stick and slide down with a big, soggy “Gloop” noise (again, see Batman Forever and Batman & Robin). Besides, after so many different portrayals of varying class and success, you’re pretty much free to pick your favourite and bugger the rest. As long as Matt Damon doesn’t come in as the Robin, it can’t be all that bad.

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